You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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