Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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