i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
