whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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