Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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