I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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