Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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