Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
