a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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