I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
