Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
