i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
