She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
