there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
