Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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