No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
