My friends, they love my intelligence
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
