My liver just broke up with me...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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