I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
