Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
