Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
