me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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