it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
