i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
