I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
