He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
