Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
