Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
