it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
