Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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