Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
