i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
