I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
