I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
