He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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