You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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