who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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