What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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