Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
