i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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