But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
