My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Randomize
