i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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