how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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