I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
