mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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