I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
