if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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