His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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