and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
