They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
