i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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