shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Can I color on your dick again?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
