I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
