When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
