She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
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I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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