So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
